81. How To Navigating Difficult Conversations With Parents and Students As A School Counselor

In this episode, we’re tackling one of the most challenging aspects of being a school counselor: navigating difficult conversations with parents.

From discussing mental health concerns to addressing student safety, these conversations can be emotional, unpredictable, and downright tough.

But with the right approach, you can turn even the most uncomfortable moments into opportunities for meaningful connection and positive change.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

  • How to create a safe and supportive environment for these sensitive discussions.
  • The power of empathy and active listening when talking with parents and students.
  • Why asking open-ended questions can encourage deeper, more honest communication.
  • Age-appropriate language to use when addressing mental health topics with students.
  • The “sandwich approach” to frame difficult conversations with positive feedback.
  • What to do when parents react defensively or refuse to take action.
  • How to protect your own well-being and manage emotional boundaries after tough days.

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Transcript

Carol: You're listening to the counselor chat podcast, a show for school counselors looking for easy to implement strategies, how to tips, collaboration, and a little spark of joy. I'm Carol Miller, your host. I'm a full time school counselor and the face behind counseling essentials. I'm all about creating simplified systems, data driven practices, and using creative approaches to engage students. If you're looking for a little inspiration to help you make a big impact on student growth and success, you're in the right place because we're better together. Ready to chat? Let's dive in.

Carol: Hello, everyone. Welcome to another episode of Counselor Chat. Thanks for being here with me today. Well, before we dive in, I want you to picture this in your mind for a moment. I was going to say close your eyes, but if you're driving, you probably don't want to close your eyes because I don't want to be responsible for any accidents. But imagine this. You're sitting in your office after calling a parent in to discuss concerns about their child's mental health because you've noticed some troubling changes in their behavior. Maybe there's some withdrawal, there's a lack of focus, and maybe you've even started to see some signs of anxiety or depression. You've prepared yourself, you've gathered your thoughts, and when the conversation begins, it takes an unexpected turn. The parent becomes defensive, even angry, insisting, there's nothing wrong with my child. And you can feel that tension rising and you wonder, how can I get them through this without making this situation worse? Sound familiar? I think as school counselors, we're often the ones having these really tough conversations. And those conversations include mental health and grief and family struggles. Maybe it's about cutting or even suicide ideation and more. I mean, there's a whole host of topics that I think we've talked about with parents as school counselors that can really be troubling. And these conversations, let's face it, they don't always go smoothly. So in today's episode, we're going to talk about how to navigate these difficult discussions with both students and parents and hopefully share some strategies to start those conversations, manage emotions, and most importantly, how to be kind to yourself when things don't go as planned, because I've been there. All right, are you ready to get going? Because I'm just going to dive right in. I think when we have these difficult conversations or we know that we're going to have a difficult conversation on some really sensitive topics like mental health or family issues, these conversations can really feel overwhelming. But I think if you put together a framework, it can make it a whole lot easier. Well, first of all, we have to create a safe environment before I think addressing any difficult topic. We have to make sure that we're in a private and a comfortable space, because privacy is really the key to allowing both students and parents to feel safe in sharing their thoughts and emotions. We have to use empathy and active listening. And even with parents, we have to put ourselves, I think, in their shoes and feel where they're coming from. We have to approach every conversation from a place of understanding. It might be helpful to begin by acknowledging the emotions or concern at hand, whether it's anxiety or grief, a family issue. You might say something like, I can see that you've been going through a really tough time, and I want to talk to you about how we can support you, because this opens the door for them to share even more. And when we can let them know that we really care and we are listening to what they have to say, they will share more with us. We also want to make sure that we ask those open ended questions. I'm sure you remember this from your counseling classes, but I think whenever you address those sensitive topics, asking an open ended question can really help our students or the parents open up without feeling pressured. So instead of asking, are you upset? Try asking, can you tell me more about how you're feeling? I think this is especially helpful when we're dealing with parents, and we can see that look of agitation and distraught or concern or worry or whatever the feeling may be. But when we ask them, can you share with me more about how you're feeling? They can really dive deep, and we want them to really explain to us why they're feeling the way they are, because there might be more to the story than we have even started to think about. It's kind of like that little iceberg, and you only see the top half. Well, there is all that stuff underneath the ocean going on. Sometimes by asking these questions, we get to know what's going on underneath that iceberg. Now, if you're working with kiddos, I mean, we have some difficult conversations with students as well, and it's really important to address that with care and compassion. We have to really normalize the conversation, because sometimes students might feel shamed or embarrassed to talk about their struggles. They may also be really worried about what we're going to do with that information. I think we also have to be able to normalize what they're saying. A lot of students your age feel anxious or they feel down from time to time. It's okay to talk about it. When we see things like that, it really can make a student feel less isolated. The same if we see a student cutting. I think a lot of students, especially when they get to upper elementary, middle school, and high school, we start noticing the cutting. And I remember as a middle school counselor, I dealt with a lot of cutting students that cut, and it was okay to let them know that, listen, you're not the only one, like, I've seen this before. I've actually talked with kids about this. Can you tell me more about what's going on? I'd really like to hear and let them start sharing all the information with you. I think when you're dealing with the little loves, because I'm in the elementary school now, you really have to make sure that you're also using age appropriate language. So if you're with the little loves, you want to avoid terms that really might confuse or intimidate them. So instead of saying depression, you might ask, have you been feeling really sad for a long time? If you're looking at a suicide ideation, a suicide might not be a word that they know yet, so you might have to. And if you're using the Columbia cause I know I use the Columbia suicide severity rating scale, sometimes the questions on there, even with the kids version, aren't the most age appropriate. You have to kind of scale those questions down a little bit. You said that you wanted to hurt yourself. Can you explain to me what hurting yourself looks like? How would you hurt yourself? So we want to ask those questions that they understand, and we have to also make sure that we offer that reassurance that however they're feeling is valid and that they aren't alone. And you want to reinforce that the school and the family, they're there to help them. Some of the most difficult conversations that I've had have been with parents. In fact, we were sitting with parents today, and it could have gone in one of two directions because we were suggesting to the parent that their kids might all need counseling. I mean, after all, this was a foster family. And although the kids had lived with them for several years, they were new to our school building, they transferred to our school. And the kids have been through a lot, like a lot of. And they really need some extra love and attention, and they need to process all the feelings that they're going through with missing their mom, with things that have happened to them. And let's face it, some of that stuff, you just can't talk about in the school building. Not to mention you really want to make sure that they're involved in some sort of therapy. And when we mentioned that our parents weren't too happy, we had to say, hey, look, I noticed that you are feeling uncomfortable. Tell me, what do you need? What would be the most helpful? We had to really reframe that a little bit. I think approaching the conversation with the assumption that the parent wants what's best for their child is the way you have to start any conversation. Because let's face it, parents, they do want the best for their kiddos. If you say something like, I've noticed that your kiddo is really trying their best, but they seem to be struggling with x, y and z. I'd love to work together to figure out how we can support them. That's a really positive way to start that conversation. I always, and the teachers come to me all the time saying, oh, I have to make this call to a parent. How should I start it? And I always tell them about the sandwich approach. And if you don't know what the sandwich approach is, it's about sandwiching the difficult conversation between two really positive statements. So you want to start with something positive, present the concern and then end with another positive note. This can sometimes help soften the blow of the news. Keep the parent engaged in the conversation and it also lets them know that you see the good in their kiddo. Because sometimes when we just say, hey, you know what? I saw this happening with your kiddo and it's concerning. The little alarm bells are going to start going off. So you have to say, hey, I just want you to know, when I'm in class with your, with your kid, they are helpful, they are sweet, they are engaged and all like the positive things, you know, they're always looking to help another peer. But I had you here today because I'm noticing that they might need some extra help themselves. And here's some of the things that I'm saying. So I think if you go in with that approach, it's going to really take that defensive mechanism from the parents off. Now, in the past I've also had parents that became really, really, really angry, especially if we said, oh, hey, I want you to know that today your child made some concerning remarks expressing that they wanted to harm themselves. So I had to do the Columbia suicide severity rating scale and based on the results, this is what it said. They're at this level of risk and it's really important that you take your child for follow up, that you need to perhaps bring them to the emergency room and have them get checked out for mental health. That doesn't always work very well. And I can remember several conversations with parents. One was a parent who actually was a physician in the hospital, and he was like, the director of his department, and he was explosive. Let's just put it that way. He was explosive. He did not want to hear that his kid had any problems. But, I mean, when you say, hey, I want you to know your kid, your kid has a plan, that's pretty scary, and you have to let them be upset, document everything, because that's what we have to do. You want to maybe even get your administrator to be a part of that meeting. I think if I know that I'm going to have parents that are super, super defensive, I'm going to call for some backup. I'm not going into that alone. You really, you can't. Because even with the best intentions of remaining cool and calm and collective, sometimes nerves are hit and we might get a little flustered. Having an extra person in there can really be beneficial. We also, I think, want to really offer resources without becoming overwhelming, because when you provide a ton of information all at once, it seems like, oh, my gosh, information overload. So I'm also going to suggest maybe sharing one or two resources that parents can start with. Maybe it's a brochure, maybe it's a little card about mental health services, or maybe it's a phone number or two, but you really, you don't want to overwhelm them. Our school has a program, it's called Link, which is through a program that we use as connected community schools. I think that is something that a lot of schools are now or at least starting to incorporate into their school programs. It's not just a New York thing, but it's pretty much a national thing. And connected community schools really provides, it connects parents and students to these outside resources. It's kind of like the bridge between the school and the community. And it gives that person that case, that gives the parent a case manager so they have somebody that they can lean on that can make the overwhelm kind of go away. Maybe if you have something like that saying, hey, can I put this referral in for you? I think sometimes when we even offer to do that, it could be like, yeah, I would like if you did that for me. So try not to really overwhelm, but offer to really help and kind of pare it down. Now, one of the, I think, hardest parts of being a school counselor and I talked about this just a tiny bit a second ago, is when parents don't listen to your warnings or they don't take your advice. It's frustrating and it can really feel leave you feeling powerless. And I know if you're really worried about a student's safety that it seems like, oh, my gosh, what do I do? Like, how do I deal with this? How do I cope with this? How do I handle this? And, you know, we can call CPS, we can do all the things, but if the, you know, if there's no follow through with parents, it feels like it's kind of devastating. And we worry and we stress and we're so focused on what's going to happen to this kiddo, or am I not doing enough? I think you have to really manage your expectations when you're in these types of situations. You have to really focus in on what's within your control because you can't control how a parent responds. The only thing you can control is how you approach the conversation and the follow up. Once again, document your concerns and any resources or advice that you shared and ensure that you've done your part in advocating for the student. Share that with your admin. That is so important because all of that is within your control. I think you also have to recognize that sometimes change takes time, and sometimes parents really, they just need time to process what you've told them. It could be your kid is really impulsive. I don't know if you want to talk to your pediatrician about this, and maybe you need to look in at ADHD. Those are some conversations that I think sometimes we have with parents and they might be a little reluctant because they're like, I'm not medicating my kiddo, and that's not necessarily what it means, but we're trying to provide the right supports for them. Sometimes, like I said, parents, they need time to process everything that you told them. And you might have to come around to that and reflect on the conversations and say, hey, let's get together in, you know, this amount of time and see how things are going and then bring it up again if you need to bring it up again. I think you also, my friends, need to be really compassionate with yourself. It's really important not to internalize a parent's refusal or their refusal to take action. I should say, as a failure on your part, you can't make them do it. You know the saying, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink well, you can't you are doing the best that you can with the tools and the time that you have. You're planting the seeds, and sometimes seeds take time to grow. You also really need to lean on your support system. Don't hesitate to debrief with your trusted colleague, an administrator, after a difficult conversation. This can also help you process your own emotions and gain perspective on how to move forward. But navigating these difficult conversations day after day can really take a toll. Yep, it takes a toll on our emotional well being. So it's really crucial to prioritize your own supports, your own self care, your own wellness, so that you can continue to support your students effectively. Remember to set those boundaries. Remember to focus in on what's in your control. And I know it's hard, but you have to be able to really set those emotional boundaries after a really tough day. Do what you need to do to decompress. Whether it's taking a walk, journaling, running, whatever it is, take that moment to decompress because you're probably going to leave the school and walk into your own house and deal with probably your own kids and the things that are going on there. If it's not kids, it could be parents, it could be someone else. So set those boundaries so that you still have the emotional strength to deal with things that are happening in your own house. Once again, that debriefing with the mentor or a peer can be really crucial because they say that hindsight is always 2020, sometimes really debriefing and thinking through, like what we said, where did it start veering off? It helps us to make those next conversations even better. And just because you had a bad conversation with the parent doesn't mean the next time that you have a conversation with them, it's going to go bad. And really make sure that you acknowledge all your efforts. Remind yourself that your role is to support, advocate, and offer resources. You can't make every parent or student accept help, and that really is okay. Difficult conversations, they're just inevitable. They're part of our work. They can make us feel like we are inadequate. But I think if you start using some of the right strategies, you can really navigate them with care and compassion. I once had a parent tell me that I was the best bearer of bad news, and I think that's a pretty awesome compliment because I can give some pretty bad news and I have given it. But there is. I think that sandwich approach really does work. So focus on empathy, set realistic expectations for yourself and prioritize you and your well being. And if a parent doesn't take your advice or listen right away, it doesn't mean that you haven't made an impact. You want to stay persistent and know that every conversation, no matter how difficult, has the potential to create positive change down the road. All right, my friends, keep doing the amazing work that you're doing. If you have any questions or maybe you want to talk more strategies for navigating difficult conversations, feel free to reach out. I'd love to chat with you, but until next time, take care of you. Keep making a difference, and have a great week. Bye for now.

Carol: Thanks for listening to today's episode of Counselor chat. All of the links I talked about can be found in the show notes and@counselingessentials.org podcast be sure to hit, follow, or subscribe on your favorite podcast player. And if you would be so kind to leave a review, I'd really appreciate it. Want to connect? Send me a DM on Facebook or Instagram at. Counseling essentials until next time. Can't wait till we chat.

Carol: Bye for now.