151. The Words Matter: Small Language Shifts That Make a Big Difference

You're listening to the Counselor Chat podcast, a show for school counselors looking for easy to implement strategies, how to tips, collaboration, and a little spark of joy.

I'm Carol Miller, your host. I'm a full time school counselor and the face behind counseling essentials. I'm all about creating simplified systems, data driven practices, and using creative approaches to engage students.

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Hey everyone. Welcome back to another episode of Counselor Chat.

I'm your host, Carol Miller.

Today's episode is a practical one,

and I also think it's a lot lighter than the last couple weeks.

But still, it's incredibly important.

And it's one of those episodes where I think a lot of you are going to find yourself nodding along and thinking, yup,

I've said that before.

Well, today we're talking about language.

The everyday words we use as school counselors.

The things we say automatically,

the phrases that just kind of roll off our tongues when we're tired, rushed or trying to help.

Because here's the thing.

The words,

they matter.

And sometimes the smallest shifts in language can make the biggest difference. And how our students,

parents and even staff still feel supported.

So you might be asking, well, why does our language deserve its own episode?

And as school counselors,

we by profession are professional communicators.

We talk for a living,

we listen for a living,

and we choose our words for a living.

But even with all of that, there are moments,

especially when we're stretched thin,

where we default to phrases that really sound helpful,

but they don't always land that way.

And this isn't about doing it wrong.

It's really about becoming more intentional.

Because our words,

they don't just carry information,

they carry tone,

safety,

permission and trust.

And let's start with something we've all said. At some point,

it's going to be okay.

I mean, we mean it really kindly.

We mean it even reassuringly.

But to a student who's overwhelmed,

who's grieving,

anxious or scared,

it can feel dismissive.

And not because we're minimizing intentionality,

but because we're jumping to the ending before they've even been heard.

And so one small shift might be,

hey, I'm really glad you told me,

or this feels really big right now.

Lastly,

we'll take this one step at a time.

Those words show the same care,

but more presence.

Another common One I think we say all the time is, at least.

At least you still have, or at least it wasn't worse,

or at least tomorrow's a new day.

I know we're trying to help them reframe the situation,

but those words, at least,

they often send the message, your feelings should be smaller than they are.

So instead of at least try this,

that sounds really hard,

or I can see why that upsets you,

or even this one,

that makes sense given what you're dealing with.

Because validation doesn't mean agreement.

It just means understanding.

And once someone feels understood,

they're much more open to guidance.

And sometimes,

and I know I have been guilty of this too, we accidentally really try to rush the process.

And here's another one that sneaks in,

especially on those really busy days.

Let's just take a deep breath.

Are you nodding now? Have you said that?

Let's just take a deep breath.

Because, let's face it, breathing strategies, they're great.

When they're used too early,

they can feel like,

oh, just please calm down so we can move on.

And a simple shift for this might be,

before we try to calm things down,

tell me what happened,

or I want to understand this first,

or, here's one last one.

We can slow this down together.

It's not that coping strategies are wrong,

but it's sometimes it's all about the timing.

Now think about these two phrases.

Why did you do that Versus help me understand what was going on?

I mean, one feels like an interrogation.

The other, it feels like curiosity.

What about this one?

You need to versus what do you think would help right now?

Those are small changes,

but can you feel the big difference and how safe someone can actually feel?

And students are incredibly tuned into tone.

Some language shifts that can make a really big impact.

Instead of, you're overreacting,

try,

your feelings are really strong right now.

And instead of calm down,

try,

I'm right here with you.

And instead of saying,

that's not a big deal,

try,

it feels big to you,

and that matters.

And these shifts, they don't take more time.

They just take intention.

Now, it's not always kids that we find ourselves talking to.

Sometimes it's our parents or their parents as well.

And as we talk with them,

we have to remember that our language can reduce defensiveness.

Because, let's face it, parents. Parents often come in already on edge.

And a phrase like, we need to talk about your child's behavior can immediately put someone on defense.

So instead, try this.

I want to partner with you to support your child,

or I'm hoping we can work together on this,

or even, you know your child best,

help me understand what you're saying.

I always like to say,

I know you are the expert.

What are some strategies or suggestions from home that seem to work?

And can you share those with me?

Because partnership language can really change the entire tone of a conversation.

And with staff,

we have to kind of respect their emotional load because teachers, they're carrying a lot, too.

So instead of, hey, you really need to refer that student,

try, I can see this is weighing on you.

Let's figure out the best next step together.

Or maybe this one instead of,

that's not a counseling issue.

Try,

here's how I can help,

and here's where someone else might be a better fit.

Words can either build trust or erode it.

I have worked with one teacher who constantly thinks that every child in her class needs counseling.

And she wants to refer everyone,

like,

I mean,

everyone.

And so there have been.

I started out at first with,

listen, that's not a counseling referral,

or there is no way I'm going to see that kid individually.

I now, I approach it as,

as you look ahead for this child,

what do you really. What would you like to see happen?

And that has really reshaped our conversations.

So that.

Because she already knows, I'm not going to go with counseling for the kid because that's not what the kid needs. But the kid definitely needs some stuff. And most of the time, it's like a little checklist or a visual schedule or something simple that we can add relatively quickly in their day.

And last but not least,

there's something else that I find really helpful,

and that's a script.

Now, some people really worried that scripts sound robotic,

but here's the truth.

Scripts, they don't really remove empathy,

they protect it.

And when emotions are running high,

having intentional language really helps us.

It helps us stay grounded.

It helps avoid saying something that we regret.

And it really provides consistency and safety.

And scripts don't mean you're disconnected.

They just mean you're prepared.

And I know that you guys have been listening along with me,

and you know that we had a death of a faculty member in our. In our building.

And I came to each meeting for both the.

The staff and for our kids with a script.

And it's not because I wanted to be insensitive,

and it's not because I didn't know the teacher well enough or the facts behind what I was talking about,

but because I wanted to make sure that every thought I had going through my head that I wanted to convey to them the information that I wanted them to know.

It was there,

it was prepared,

and it was okay if I looked down because they didn't see it as bad.

They saw it as I was ready and I was helpful.

So don't be afraid to use a script, whether it's for something really big or a phone call. I've had a conversation with a parent regarding attendance,

or maybe it's a kid who is who needs some de escalation,

or maybe it's a group of students that you have that you really want to do some conflict mediation with.

Don't be afraid to use them.

One of the most important pieces that language really matters is also how we talk to ourselves.

So instead of I should have done more,

try,

I did what I could with what I had.

And instead of I dropped the ball,

just say this was a hard day because the words we use internally shape how long we can stay in this work.

And I see this every day in the Facebook groups,

how we have counselors who are burnt out and it is just their first year and the year is not even over yet.

And so how we talk to ourself and the permissions that we give ourselves to let certain things go or to not beat ourselves up over something that we could have done a different way.

We just have to be gentle.

And as you move through your week, my friends,

I want to invite you to notice,

not judge,

your language.

I mean, just notice. What phrases do you default to?

Where might a small shift feel more supportive and what words help people feel seen?

I mean, you don't need to overhaul everything.

Just make one or two intentional changes because they can really make a huge difference.

So in the coming weeks, we're going to talk more about hard moments,

about grief, crisis, the times when words feel especially heavy,

and today's episode. It's the foundation for those conversations.

Because when we choose our words with care,

we don't just communicate, we create safety.

My friends, you are doing incredible,

incredible work.

You go in to work each day with a heart full of love and a head full of great intentions and ideas.

Keep doing it.

And until next time, I hope you have a really great week.

Bye for now.

Thanks for listening to today's episode of Counselor Chat. All of the links I talked about can be found in the show notes and at counselingessentials.org podcast. Be sure to hit follow or subscribe on your favorite podcast player and if you would be so kind to leave a review, I'd really appreciate it.

Want to connect? Send me a DM on Facebook or Instagram at Counseling Essentials until next time. Can't wait till we chat.

Bye for now.