167. I Didn’t Know What I Didn’t Know: Why Conferences Changed My Counseling Practice

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Hey everyone,

and welcome back to another episode of Counselor Chat. I'm your host, Carol. And today we're continuing this little series on things I wish I had done earlier in my school counseling career.

And today's episode is all about something that, honestly,

I didn't understand the value of for a really long time.

Conferences,

professional development,

training,

the learning outside of my building.

And the title of this episode, I think it really says it all.

I didn't know what I didn't know why conferences changed my counseling practice.

Because really, that's the truth.

I didn't know what I didn't know.

And I didn't even know that I didn't know it.

Which is a very confusing sentence,

but also very accurate.

When I first started as a school counselor, I had just graduated from college.

Like you all. I had my degree, I'd completed my program. I had done the work, I had the credentials, I had the job.

And I think a part of me thought, okay, I'm ready.

And I was ready in some ways.

I mean, I had learned a lot. I had the foundation,

I definitely had the heart for this work.

I cared about kids.

I wanted to do a good job.

Well, not even just a good job, but a great job.

But what I did not fully understand was that graduation was not the end of my learning.

It was the beginning of a whole different kind of learning.

And that is something I really wished I understood earlier.

Because in those first years, I was learning every single day,

but mostly from what was directly in front of me.

From my students, from my administrators, from my colleagues,

from the crisis that landed in my office,

from the mistakes I made,

the many,

many mistakes I made,

and from the things that worked and the things that absolutely did not.

And all of that is valuable.

And there is no substitute for experience.

But here's the thing.

If all we know is our own lived experience,

then our understanding is limited by what we have just personally seen.

And my lived experiences, well, they were limited.

I just didn't know it.

That line has really stuck with me. As I have looked back at my career,

you only know your lived experiences.

And in the beginning, mine were pretty narrow.

Not because I didn't care. Not because I wasn't working hard.

Not because I wasn't trying to be a good counselor.

Because I was operating inside the world. I knew my school, my district, my caseload,

my community,

my way of doing things.

And I didn't realize how much more was out there.

I did not realize that other counselors were doing things in ways I'd never thought of.

I did not realize there were systems and strategies and interventions and approaches that could have made my work easier and more effective.

And I did not realize that other people were having the same challenges I was having.

And I definitely did not realize how powerful it could be to sit in a room full of school counselors and think,

oh, my God. Oh my goodness, these people get it now. Before I ever actually went to a conference,

there was also another thing going on.

I was afraid to ask,

and I don't think we talk about that enough.

When I first started working, I didn't think,

or I didn't ask to go to conferences because I was afraid someone might say no.

Or maybe they would not like that I was asking to take a day away from school.

Or maybe they would think, why does she need that?

Or maybe they would think I was being difficult or asking for too much, or I wasn't dedicated enough.

And let's be honest. Sometimes as school counselors, especially early on in our careers, we are so focused on proving ourselves that we do not always advocate for what we need.

We advocate beautifully for our kids.

We advocate for families. We advocate for teachers. We advocate for programs. But when it comes to saying, I would like to attend this training because it will help me do a better job,

we can just freeze.

At least I did.

I didn't want to be a problem.

I did not want to ask for coverage. I did not want to be away from the building.

I did not want anyone to think I was trying to get out of work.

Which is hilarious now, because if you have ever been to a really good conference,

you know it is not exactly a day off.

You are learning, you are thinking, you are taking notes. You're talking to people. You're processing ideas.

You are walking from session to session, and you're trying to drink enough coffee to make it through the afternoon session.

You're collecting handouts and business cards and of course, the free pension.

And then you come home with a brain Full of ideas, and if you're anything like me, a tote bag that is somehow both exciting and completely full of paper.

So,

no, it's not a day off.

It's an investment.

But I didn't see it that way at first.

I saw it as something extra,

something maybe I did not deserve to ask for something that would be nice, but it wasn't necessary.

And looking back, I wish I had understood sooner that professional development is not extra.

It's a part of staying effective.

It's part of staying current. It's a part of staying connected.

It's part of becoming the kind of counselor our students need us to be.

Now, I want to correct something from my own memory, because for a while I thought.

I don't think I went to a conference until about year 15.

But as I thought about it more,

I realized it was actually earlier than that.

I think it was probably around year six or seven when I finally decided I wanted to go to a conference.

And at that point, I was working as a high school counselor, and I had just become involved in the Tompkins Area Counselors Association.

I had taken on a membership role for taca,

and I was being connected with other counselors.

And that connection with those other counselors, it really started opening my eyes a little bit.

I was around people who were talking about professional issues.

They were talking about counseling practices,

talking about what was happening in other districts,

talking about college and career work.

They were talking about student needs. And I started to think,

wow, it would be really, really cool to go to a conference.

And that year, my high school did send me.

A lot of the other area counselors were going to the state conference,

which was the NYSCA conference, because it was being held in Syracuse that year,

and Syracuse is not far from where we were.

We didn't need a hotel. We could drive there and back.

So it felt possible. It was really doable.

And it felt close enough that maybe I could go.

And I did.

And I fell in love with it.

I fell in love with the learning.

I fell in love with meeting people.

I fell in love with walking into sessions and hearing ideas I had never even considered before.

And I love seeing what other counselors were doing.

I mean, that might have been the best part, all the networking.

What are you doing in your program? And hey, how do you do this?

Or, oh, my gosh, I never thought of that idea.

And I love realizing that there was not just one way to do this job.

I loved learning from people who were so passionate about their work.

I loved the energy of Being around other school counselors who wanted to grow.

And honestly, I love the conference things, too. The folders, the sessions, the exhibit tables, the giveaways,

the moments in the hallway where you talk to someone and suddenly you realize you have the same problems in totally different districts.

The feeling of leaving with more ideas than you could possibly use.

And that first conference, it opened something up for me.

It made me realize that my world was bigger than my building.

And you know what?

That really mattered. Because when your world gets bigger, your practice gets bigger, too.

You start asking different questions. You start seeing students through a wider lens, and you start wondering how other people approach things.

And you start realizing that the way that you have always done something is not the only way to do it.

And that can be a little uncomfortable,

but it can also be really exciting.

Because sometimes growth begins with the realization that there is so much more to learn.

And now, the following year, the conference was somewhere else. It was farther away.

And in my mind, I thought,

I'm never going to be able to go again.

And at that point in my life, I also had little kids.

And when you have little kids, especially babies, the logistics of going away can feel impossible.

And I remember thinking, I can't leave my baby at home.

Or at least it felt like I couldn't.

And I know there are people listening who can totally understand and relate to that.

Sometimes it's not just about whether your district will pay,

and it's not about whether the training is valuable. It's about childcare,

family needs, travel, money, sub plans, coverage, guilt,

and the mental load of trying to make the whole thing work.

And so, instead of saying, well, I guess that's it,

something in me thought,

what if I created something closer to home?

And through the Tompkins Area Counselors Association, I decided it would be really,

really great to have a little conference of our own.

Not a huge conference, not a fancy conference,

just something local,

something accessible,

Something that would let councilors come together,

learn, share, and connect. And because I had gotten to know some people who were helping with the state conference, I reached out and I asked questions.

And then I started making some calls. I called a local college to ask if we could hold it on their camper on their campus.

And they said yes.

They even volunteered to feed everybody,

which was so incredibly kind.

And a little side note,

it was the.

One of the things that they fed us, and I can't remember, I can't believe I remember this, but I so distinctly do,

was that they gave us cream of mushroom soup. And when I heard that Cream of mushroom soup was going to be on the menu. I was like, this is the most disgusting thing.

Who serves cream of mushroom soup?

And then I tried the soup, and it was probably the most delicious soup I think I've ever,

ever.

So,

you know, there's that, too.

Once again, my worldview got a little bit bigger with the cream of mushroom soup.

But anyway,

I digress.

So with this,

it was so incredibly kind that they did feed us. And if you are planning anything,

anything for educators,

you know that food matters.

You can have the best agenda in the world. But if there is coffee and a decent lunch,

people really feel cared for.

So now we had a location, we had food.

I found some sponsors to help support it.

I put out a call for proposals.

And little by little, this idea became a real thing.

We had our own local conference,

not only from our Tompkins Area Counselors association, but I also sent it down to the.

What we call the Southern Tier in New York, the Binghamton, Elmira area. And we went up as far north of Syracuse. We had central New York right in our own backyard.

And for really, for this small area conference, it was pretty amazing.

It was free. There was food,

There were fantastic presentations.

We even had some giveaways.

It was really a real conference and a totally mini venue.

And I remember thinking, wow, we did this.

And that experience, it taught me something else.

Sometimes when access feels limited,

we can create access.

Not always,

not perfectly,

but sometimes.

And sometimes we can bring learning closer.

We can start small.

We can create the thing we wish existed.

And that little local conference helped me see that professional development didn't have to be some big, faraway event that only certain people could attend.

It could be local. It could be collaborative.

It could be built by counselors for counselors.

And then it also gave me another thought,

and I started thinking, maybe I could also present.

Now, if you ever had thought about that,

you know, it can be immediately followed by a second thought, which is usually something like,

who do I think I am presenting at a conference?

Who am I to present? What do I have to share?

Other people know far more than I do.

Other people have fancier programs or better data. They have more experience.

And I thought all those things.

But eventually I realized that presenting doesn't mean you know everything.

It means you have learned something that might help someone else.

And from that point on,

I really began to understand the value of professional development and conferences in a whole new way.

Not just attending, but sharing,

connecting and learning from others and contributing to the profession and letting myself grow beyond the Walls of my own office.

Now, conferences,

they're obviously not the only form of P day,

and I want to be really clear about that.

And you know, all you all know, I love a good conference. You know I do.

But PD can look like a lot of different things.

It can be a college course.

It can be a book study.

It can be a webinar.

It can be supervision or consultation.

It can be a training series.

It can be joining a professional association,

be listening to a podcast just like this one.

It can be attending office hours.

It can be learning from another counselor right down the hall.

It can be getting certified in something.

It can be watching someone facilitate and then reflecting on what they did.

The format matters less than the mindset.

The mindset is,

I'm still learning,

I'm still growing,

I don't have to know everything,

and I'm willing to be stretched.

That mindset has changed so much for me.

Right now I'm taking a college course.

I've taken other college courses over the years,

and honestly, I wish I had done more of that earlier, too.

Not because I needed more letters after my resume or my name,

and not because I needed to prove anything, but because learning something new keeps us fresh,

it keeps us curious,

and it keeps us from getting stuck in one way of thinking.

And I think that matters, especially in a field like school counseling, where student needs are. They're constantly changing.

The students we work with now are not the same students we worked with 10 years ago.

Definitely not the ones I worked with when I first started my career.

This world is not the same.

The challenges are not the same. The mental health needs are not the same.

The family stressors are not the same.

Tech issues,

not the same.

And even the expectations on schools are not the same.

So if the world around our students is changing,

then our professional learning has to keep changing, too.

We cannot keep using only the tools we learned at the beginning of our careers and assume they will be enough forever.

Some of those tools,

trust me, they are still good.

Absolutely.

But we need new tools, too.

We need updated understanding and fresh perspectives.

We need to be challenged by people who know things that we simply don't.

And some of the trainings I have done more recently have been truly fantastic.

One area that has deeply changed my practice is,

is restorative practices.

I have done restorative justice trainings. I've done circle trainings for tier one, tier two, and tier three.

And I have spent days learning about circles, restorative processes,

and ways to build community and repair harm.

And I can say without any hesitation that those trainings have made my counseling program better.

They've deepened it. They've changed the way I've worked with kids.

They've changed the way I think about behavior,

and they have changed the way I help students solve problems.

They've even changed the way I approach conflict.

And before learning more about restorative processes, I think I often approach conflict the way many of us were taught to approach it.

What happened? Who did it? What rule was broken? What consequences make sense?

And there is this place for accountability.

Absolutely.

But restorative practices invited me to ask different questions.

Who was impacted?

What harm was done?

What needs to happen to repair it?

What does the student need in order to take responsibility?

What does the person who's been hurt need in order to feel heard?

And how do we rebuild trust?

And how do we bring students back into community instead of just pushing them out or pushing them out of it?

And that shift, that's been a game changer.

And I don't use that phrase lately.

It's changed how I facilitate conversations, and it's changed how I support classrooms.

And it has changed how I think about apologies.

It's changed how we respond when students hurt each other.

Really. It's changed how I see discipline.

And it has helped me move from simply reacting to behavior to helping students build skills.

And that's really what I want. Right?

We don't want students to just stop doing something in the moment. We want them to learn how to handle conflict,

how to name harm,

how to listen, how to take responsibility,

how to repair relationships,

and how to re enter a community in a healthy way.

Restorative training,

it helped me see that more clearly.

And again, I wish I found it earlier.

Another training that has been incredibly,

incredibly meaningful is the TIG training, which stands for Trauma, illness and grief. And I've mentioned a little bit about this in another podcast,

and I'll tell you, this was not a quick one hour webinar. This was a deeper training that took place over many days across the year.

And it focused on some of the hardest things that can come into school.

Trauma,

illness,

grief,

threat assessments, crisis response.

How to support not just individuals, but the whole school community when something devastating happens.

How do we communicate awful news?

How do we support staff? How do we support students?

And how do we respond in a way that is thoughtful and not chaotic?

And how do we help a building move through grief?

How do we prepare for the situations we hope never happen,

but sometimes know that they do?

And that training, it became especially helpful this past year.

We were still going through the training. We hadn't even finished all of it yet,

but we had gotten through the grief portion,

and then we had to use it.

That's the thing about some trainings. You hope you never need them,

at least some of them.

But when you do, you're so grateful,

you are trying not to figure everything out in the moment.

And this past year,

as part of our TIG team, I was called to the high school after a teacher passed away.

And in that moment, that training mattered.

The same thing happened in our own building with our own teacher.

A beloved,

longstanding teacher unexpectedly passed away.

And to tell that they were best friends,

that this person was.

Had passed away.

And to tell this students in her class,

it's not an easy thing to do.

And in those moments that training, it mattered so much.

That preparation mattered, that shared language mattered, the structure mattered. And the ability to say, okay, we know some steps. We know how to think about this. We know how to support people.

We have some guidance that mattered.

Because when hard things happen in schools, people look for calm. They look for leadership. They look for someone who can help hold the moment.

And training, it doesn't make grief any easier.

Nothing makes grief easy.

Training doesn't give you magic words,

because there aren't any.

But it does give you grounding, and it gives you a framework, and it gives you a way to respond instead of just react.

And that is another reason professional development matters.

It prepares us for moments we cannot fully predict.

It helps us build capacity.

It helps us build capacity before we need it.

And I think that's huge,

because if we waited until we were in the middle of a crisis to learn how to respond to a crisis, we're already behind.

And if we wait until conflict is exploding to learn restorative practices,

we're already overwhelmed.

And if we wait until a student feels unmanageable to look for new tools,

we're already depleted.

Professional development gives us the chance to build before the moment demands it.

It's proactive.

It's protective.

And it's part of being prepared.

And I know, I know there are barriers.

There are always barriers.

Money's a barrier.

Coverage is a barrier. Time is a barrier. Travel's a barrier.

Family responsibilities are a barrier.

Administrator support can be a barrier or district priorities.

And sometimes the barrier is our own hesitation.

Sometimes we assume the answer will be no before we ever ask.

And sometimes we tell ourselves we are too busy.

Sometimes we feel guilty about leaving the building.

Sometimes we think,

I should already know this.

And sometimes we even think I'm too far into my career to learn something new.

Or maybe it's I'm too new to have anything to contribute.

Or the I'll go someday.

But someday can turn into years and I don't want that for you.

So if you are listening and you have been waiting for permission,

let me gently give it to you.

And to go ask about the funding, ask if there's some PD days.

Ask if your district can cover registration.

Ask if your building will support it.

Ask if your association has scholarships, or if there's a virtual option, or if there's a local workshop,

or if another counselor wants to go with you.

And even if you can only attend one day instead of the whole event,

do the one day,

just ask.

I mean, the answer might be no.

That's true.

But if you never ask,

the answer is already no.

And I wish I had understood that earlier.

I spent too much time assuming.

Assuming I couldn't go,

assuming it would be too much.

Now, my friends,

as we're talking about pd,

I want you to also know that we built the Virtual Summer Counselor Conference.

Really?

Because of,

because of this.

Because of my understanding that it took me so long to understand that I needed this so much earlier in my career.

PD is so important.

At our Summer Counselor conference, we have 40, 40 sessions from some of the best presenters. I mean, most of our presenters present nationally and our keynote speakers are national presenters.

They are incredible. They have a lot to share with you.

And even if you're told no, we can't pick up the registration fee.

We have it priced affordably so that you can.

And because it's virtual,

it doesn't matter if you're holding a baby.

It doesn't matter if you're sitting by the pool.

And it doesn't matter if you don't want to do it in the middle of summer, but you want to save it for another day throughout the school year.

It's flexible too.

So if you don't mind,

I would love for you to check out the Summer Counselor Conference.

I'll have the link in the show notes for you.

Well, my friends,

PD is one of those things that is so worth it for us.

Don't be afraid to try it.

And don't be afraid to say,

maybe I should have the courage one day to present myself because it can be a pretty awesome experience because learning is sharing as well.

That's it for this week. Next week, I'm going to be coming back at you with another part of this little mini series of things that I wish that I had done earlier in my career.

I hope that this little series is helpful for you and that you're thinking, oh yeah,

that might be some pretty good advice.

Anyway, my friends, until next time. Time. I hope you have a really great week.

Bye for now.

Thanks for listening to today's episode of Counselor Chat. All of the links I talked about can be found in the show notes and at counselingessentials.org podcast.

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Want to connect? Send me a DM on Facebook or Instagram at Counseling Essentials. Until next time. Can't wait till we chat. Bye for now.